Divorce Recovery (Part Three)

Facing New Relationships

  • Relationships can bring the greatest joys or the greatest sorrows.
  • Healthy and Satisfying Relationships are formed with great care and the enabling Power of God.
  • Whether a divorced person should remarry or not is a decision that the individual must make based on God’s Word.
  • The trick in starting new relationships is to recognize your pattern of relating and change it.  In other words, do not enter new relationships with “old tools”.
  • Some patterns that keep repeating are:
  1. Dependent / Rescuer – “Me Tarzan, You Jane”
  2. Master / Slave – Only Christ is the Lord and Master of the Universe
  3. Martyr / Nurturer – “I gave up everything for this relationship”
  • Some “new tools” are:
  1. Be Authentic – It is easier to be real … there is no need to maintain an image.
  2. Realistic Expectations – Real purpose of Marriage is to help each other get to Heaven.
  • All relationships are meaningful when built on Friendship.  Friendships carry a responsibility of commitment to being there in time of need.
  • Relationships work just like an “Apple Tree” … you have to take the risk and reach out toward the Fruit of Life (it does not come to you; you have to go & get it).

Establishing Trust and Love Again

  • Lack of Trust can prevent happiness and love.  It prevents Friendships or causes them to fail.
  • There is a need to shift your trust from a person to God (Psalm 118:8).  This gives you the strength to go on with life, even if another person disappoints you.
  • When you put your trust in God, it becomes easier to trust another person.
  • You act loving to others by learning to trust … and as you reflect a loving attitude, you attract loving people.

Handling Sexuality as a Single

  • The physical desires do not die when the marriage ends.  These desires need to be brought under control, otherwise mistakes might be made (Romans 7:19).
  • A single-again person must find guidance in what God’s Word says.  This will prevent the possible misuse of his/her sexuality., such as in the following activities:
  1. Recreation Sex – e.g. “If it feels good, do it”.  Sex must not be used for personal fun without consideration for the other person.  Nobody likes to be used and nobody feels good about himself/herself when he/she uses others.
  2. Ego Booster – Some people use sex as an ego booster, e.g. “This proves I am attractive”.  This amounts to living for the moment with little thought to the consequences.
  3. Acting Out Anger – Anger and Frustration are strong emotions that tend to increase sexual desire.  Some people put these strong emotions into sexual action with a new sexual partner.
  4. Revenge – e.g. “If he could only see me now, he would be sorry for what he did to me”.  This will only hurt you because your ex-spouse will not feel the effects of your revenge.
  • Misuse of sex can lead to the following consequences:
  1. Guilt – Guilt can cause you to lie awake at night condemning yourself, because you know what you did was wrong.
  2. Low Self Esteem – It is part of God’s Plan for people to feel good when they do right and feel bad when they do wrong.
  3. Depression – The knowledge that you are being promiscuous often causes depression … from the unfulfilling sexual relations.
  4. Death – e.g. Aids
  • Sex is intended to be an expression of committed love and the desire to help the other person reach his/her fullest potential and happiness in life.
  • A person must develop a happy and permanent commitment in a relationship before jumping to sex (Song of Solomon 2:7).
  • Notwithstanding all this counsel, single-again sexuality can still be a problem.  The solution is to turn the burden into a blessing, e.g. spend more time with God, develop close friendships etc.
  • A dating situation is probably the most difficult time to deal with sexuality for a single-again person.  The following suggestions can help:
  1. Set your limits
  2. Group Date (there is safety in numbers)
  3. Pace your dating (avoid too much time together too soon)
  4. Set a curfew for yourself
  5. Keep your guard up
  6. Mind what you read and watch (Philippians 4:8)
  7. Plan wholesome activities
  8. Measure Quality
  9. Study the Bible
  10. Pray

Final Comments

  • Being Single is not a state of pre-married or post-mortem.  It is a life of freedom and choices in Christ.
  • It is a productive life of love, hope, joy and service to God and Fellow Man!




Presented by: A. Ndlebe                                                                                    Date: 19 March 2011